Unimportant Things.

My grandfather just passed away a bit ago. This is the first grandparent that I’ve had die. We weren’t close. It still is a strange feeling of sadness and grief. Mostly because if I had gone to see him he would have no idea who i was. I haven’t seen him since i was fifteen after his second stroke. I have no pictures of us together, i have no birthday cards, no christmas cards, no letters, no gifts. My mother’s parents don’t really care that I exist. I’ve never been important to them. They’ve never sent me a christmas present, or a card. or anything. They didn’t come to my graduation, my wedding, or my baby shower.

I think the reason why i’m upset is because its just proof that My real grandpa and grandma are going to die. probably sooner than later. and I dont’ know what I would do without them. They more than made up for what i missed with my mom’s parents.

But mostly, it’s the saddness of knowing, that someday, Mat is going to leave me. It might be soon and quickly, or I might have to suffer through what my grandmother did and slowly over the course of the last ten years watch him forget who i am.

Its so scary to think that nothing happens later. I just don’t believe in god anymore. I used to find comfort in the fact that they would be in heaven. but i can’t make believe i remotely believe that’s true. And its terrifying not knowing. Mat’s the only person in the world I love more than anything. He’s my best friend. and the thought of someday having to be without him is awful.

But, I’m sad because my mom is sad. I don’t know what I would do without my dad. I love my mom and dad so much, and we have a healthly, real relationship. So I dont know what I would do if I were her. Its going to be so ….weird. I’m not good and empathizing with people, even my own mother. because she doesn’t know how to express her feelings either. we just awkwardly stare at each other. but it works for us i guess. 

Sigh.  

Tomorrow, april 19th, I should have a one year old. But I don’t. I don’t believe everything happens for a reason, I believe things happen, because life is chaotic and this is all we have. Also a year ago last saturday. I found out I was having Rory, and he also turned four months old. I’m beyond grateful he exists, but my heart still is missing a giant piece.

I loved you the second I knew you existed. That hasnt changed. I’m sorry I’ll never see your face or hold your hands, but know I’ll always remember you, my first little baby. Happy birthday, I miss you everyday.